Fedora the Explorer

Sometimes the planets align, the stars get crossed, and all of heaven above and hell below shout at you in beautiful four part harmony to start rockin' a fedora. And I'm not in the practice of ignoring anything that God and Satan finally agree on. So, for fear of my own existence, I am going to purchase and begin wearing a fedora. Why? Because I can probably pull it off, you asshole. And why not? I don't know. Because someone might think I look like a douchebag. But you know what? That only makes me want to wear one even more. Suck it.

It's strange, really. The very presence or absence of an article of clothing could make me look like a douchebag? Let's face it. I'm a douche either way. The fedora just gives me the appearance of a more stylish douche. If you want to judge me by what I'm wearing, go ahead. That's the fucking point of clothes. To distinguish between who is wealthy, who is poor, and ultimately, who looks damn good in a fedora. It goes like this. You see me wearing a fedora and your animal instinct growls at you in the back of your head, urging you to jump my bones. Here's something I'll bet you didn't know: Charles Darwin invented fedoras. Yeah. He did a study. Two male monkeys. One wore a fedora, the other just looked foolish, and then they let a female monkey into the room. I don't think I need to explain what happened next, but I will because I'm trying to make a point. There was a knife fight. The fedora remained intact. Sexual relations ensued. BAM. A monkey was born. Because of a fedora. Procreation, bitch.

In all honesty, I don't know what I'll look like in a fedora. I've received mostly positive reactions about the idea though. The lone exception being Casey, who hates me with every fiber of her non-fedora wearing being anyway. So her opinion is meaningless. My sister loved the idea, and has actually been suggesting to me all summer that I should buy a fedora. I trust her opinion. She's majoring in fashion merchandising at Kent State. She should probably be buying all of my clothes. Ariel insisted that I can pull it off because I "just have the kind of face that can pull off anything, really". After I mentioned the idea to Garrett, he said "do it", which I translated to "Dude you'll look so hot in that". So, you see? The slighest mention of a fedora gets everyone all hot and bothered, straight males included.

So that's how I arrived at this conclusion. This is what I've been called to do. Some people take vows of celibacy to preach the word of the Lord. Some people go to Nicaragua to try and lessen the load of the less fortunate. Others just put on fedoras and say "Look at me!" Well, I feel no shame. I've made my choice and there's no dissuading me. I'm going to buy a fedora and rock the shit out of it. At least for a few days, until I realize I look like a big douchebag. But what a glorious few days they shall be. What a glorious few days indeed...