Ruminations #2

- The 80s never left. They just got stuck in K-mart.

- With all of the roadkill that appears each new day, you'd think various rodents would be close to extinction, or at least endangered. But no. Nothing. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

- I know it's probably impossible to be right about EVERYTHING, but David Cross sure gets damn close.

- I can't shop in a clothing store when people are watching. I get flustered and can't focus on the clothes in front of me.

- Seriously though, what is it about K-mart? It's like a fucking time warp when you walk through those doors. Every woman has "big" hair, the floor doesn't appear to have met a broom in upwards of a decade, and even the so-called "new" items look like hand me downs from the cousins you've never met that your parents insist you have.

- Little Caesar's screams middle school. Also, there's one in the K-mart that's existed near my house ever since I was born. I'm fairly certain the same woman has worked in that Little Caesar's since I was a kid. And I'm fairly certain she's still kneading the same dough. And I'm fairly certain it's still fricking delicious.

- Without going into another Mountain Dew diatribe, I will say this: this new Mountain Dew "Distortion" tastes like straight alcohol. It's supposed to just be Mountain Dew with a "blast" of lime. Well it tastes like alcohol. And I'm not even upset. It's actually pretty impressive. Pepsi Co. just continues to inspire and delight my palate.

- If ghosts do exist, they're pretty fucking boring. When's the last time a ghost did anything? I'm bored.

- I don't like to be preachy or quick to recommend music to people because I think that every individual person feels music in a very specific way. Someone might be totally and completely indifferent to what you consider to be life-changing. That said, Adam Haworth Stephens has an album coming out on September 28th entitled "We Live on Cliffs" and I'm already convinced it's going to be one of the best albums that I've ever heard. What that means to you is probably nothing. But what it means to me is this - on September 28, I will weep tears of ultimate joy and redemption upon popping the disc into my Honda Civic's CD player and cruising the beleaguered streets of my youth, rear view mirror tilted toward the passenger seat to hide myself from myself.

- The phrase "Character is what you do when nobody's looking" is terrifying. If every one of us was actually judged by what we do when nobody's looking, we'd all be under house arrest. Side note: whenever I'm home alone, I always get the sneaking suspicion that someone has left a hidden camera to document my behavior. And truth be told, the day that actually happens is the day that I'm committed to a psych ward. Because I talk to myself A LOT.

- For all people who have misspelled "heroin" and "heroine" in the past, fear not. They basically mean the same thing. The drug's name was actually taken from the German word heroisch, meaning "heroic", supposedly because of the heroic effect it had upon the people using it. And a heroine is heroic too. So they mean the same thing, whether you add the extra "e" or not. I prefer the "e" on the end. It makes it look more sophisticated. Like five-star restaurant heroine. Or heroin. Whatever.

Well. That's it for tonight. I'm going to go eat some leftover crazy bread that I bought at K-mart today. I think it was named after the hair of the women who shop at K-mart. Though it could also be a street name for heroin. And "Little Caesar" could easily be some shifty Italian gangster who's five feet tall and talks in a high register. God, no wonder K-mart has existed for so long. It's a cover up for an underground drug ring! But damnit if that crazy heroin bread isn't delicious.