#6 Thing I'll Miss About Home

Knowing where the hell things are.

I've lived here for 23 years. I know where everything is. If I need a haircut, there's a place for that. When I'm craving raisinets, I know where I can score some. And when I want to spoil my girlfriend on her birthday, I've already got directions in my head to the nearest Outback Steakhouse. There is literally NOTHING that I can't find within 10 minutes of my own house. That's a pretty comforting thought, especially considering how many times I actually have had that aforementioned raisinets craving. Hint: it's well beyond a normal amount of times, whatever that norm may be.

The point is, I know that if I drive down road A, I'll eventually get to road B, which will, in turn, take me to place C. I have a possibly irrational and likely asinine belief that when I move, I'll have no idea where anything is. I'll get lost just looking for a grocery store. Road signs will be written in Chinese, trees will throw apples at me like in The Wizard of Oz, and every station on the radio will sound like the British woman's voice from a GPS system telling me to turn in "30 meters". Do you know what 6 feet underground is in metric? DO YOU?! It's dead. Just dead.

Here's the part where I pretend to be serious and offer easily refutable but semi-valid points. After I move, I'll need to learn all of the roads around me and where they lead. I'll need to learn where the nearest grocery store is, nearest place to get a haircut, and, of course, the closest Little Caesars. These are all things that I take for granted now. If I need something real quick, I know that I can hop in the car and be at Huckleberry's in two minutes. Where the hell am I going to find a tiny general store with a name like "Huckleberry's"?! What, is there going to be a "Tom Sawyer's" two minutes away from my house in Virginia? NO! So WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO WHEN I NEED TWIZZLERS AND MOUNTAIN DEW?!

I'm sure these things will all sort themselves out. But it will be awfully difficult to adjust. I'm going to miss not knowing where everything is. Then again, Helen Keller didn't have any idea where the fuck anything was, let alone WHAT anything was. So what am I complaining about? At least I have a blog. Oh, what's that? She wrote books? Shit. Well...yeah ok that's pretty impressive. You go, Hel-Kell.

Wait, what was the #6 thing I'll miss about home again? Oh, that's right. Knowing where things are. Well I'm sure I'll figure it out after a little while. No worries. Sure, I'll miss these local roads and the pots of gold waiting on the other side of them, but it's only the #6 thing on the list. I've got five more things that will be much, much harder to replace. Stay with me, here.