"Give me the shark, bro."

As Tony was riding the shark he had stolen from Rinny's water-garage, the unbearable bucking of the bronco-like animal crushed his only remaining testicle over and again, the Gallagher to his watermelon. Tony cried out in anguish, in a way that only a man who's lone testicle is being flattened by the weight of an 18-foot pregnant clown shark can.

"Susie! Plug your ears, dear sister! Plug 'em! Do you have them plugged? Susie?"

"Yes, brother!"

"Good! MY BALL! MY LITTLE FUCKING BALL! OWWWWWWCHHHHH!"

"When would you like me to plug my ears, dear brother?"

"God damnit, Susan. Sometimes with you, I swear. Just sometimes with you. Really. Sometimes. Honestly."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, it's not your fault. Do you still have your gun on you?"

"Yes."

"Mind bustin' a cap in this clown shark's clown ass?"

"I guess so."

Little Susie whipped out her favorite handgun, a brand new Remington R1, and kissed the shiny metal frame. No one really understood the six year-old's fascination with weaponry, but for some really supremely fucked up reason, nobody cared. In fact, Tony, left to care for his little sister in the wake of the unresolved double homicide that took the lives of their parents, encouraged the bearing of arms.

"I'll give you a piece of advice, dear sister. Everyone wants to fucking kill you. Learn to shoot a gun. I don't give a fuck how old you are. Mom! The baby threw up again!"

Conversations like that happened all the time. It's a wonder that it took Susan six whole years to utter her first curse word, especially considering how quickly she picked up shooting as a hobby. And it's not like Susan was a bad shot, she was actually pretty fucking good. It's just that she never really developed any moral restraint when it came to choosing targets. This awful fact, although not boding well for the numerous rabbits, raccoons, and various neighborhood cats that wandered into the wrong backyard, was a blessing to Tony and his current ball-breaking predicament.


KA-FUCKING-BOOM!

Susan had struck the shark square in the clown nose, exploding it into a million pieces, once again calling forth memories of that old bastard, Gallagher. After the pieces had ceased falling like hellfish rain from an unforgiving black sky, Susie looked around, trying in vain to spot her older brother.

"Tone? Tone?! TONY!!!"

Just then, Susan heard the faint shouting of a man falling out of the sky like Chris Rock in Dogma.

"Niiiiiiice shotttttttttttttttttttt" said the voice, getting louder and louder with every drawn-out syllable.

Then Susie looked up, witnessing her caretaker of some five odd years, falling to what would surely be his death if this were not a made-up fairytale story. The body of Tony hit the water at such an angle that the noise could only be rivaled by the fatal shot from the Remington R1 that had just seriously fucked up a pregnant 18-foot clown shark. Susie assumed death. As the tears began to fall, she collapsed to her tiny knees, putting her face into her tiny hands.

"First Mom and Dad, now Tony! Why can't I not-murder anyone right?!"

"I'll take that as a confession, you little twat."

The voice was muffled by a throat full of water, so it actually sounded a lot more like:

Gargle. Slosh. Spit. Gargle. "Twat."

Susie gasped and whipped her head around. Lifting itself onto the shark-stained dock was a truly ugly and horrifying sight. Tony looked like shit. He was completely fine and totally uninjured, but his haircut made him look like "a bald eagle homo" according to Susie. She never liked the haircut, not since a half hour earlier when Tony had insisted he "make a change" in his life. Tony stood before Susan, arms crossed, glaring like a soccer mom watching her son continuously fuck up tying his cleats.

"Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?" Susie whined, gun in hand.

"What, that you killed them?"

"MOM AND DAD ARE DEAD?!"

"What the fuck, Susie? Just give it up. You lost. It's over."

It was right at this moment of ensuing sibling rivalry that a voice beckoned from above.

"Give me the shark, bro."

Tony would recognize this voice anywhere. It was Rinny, who appeared to be legitimately pissed that Tony had stolen the 18-foot pregnant clown shark from his water-garage. Ah, fuck. Tony thought. Now I'm really gonna get it. Rinny was an angry fella, and Tony didn't much care for him. The man had been insisting for years that he was the elder, smarter brother of Tony and Susie, but Tony never remembered having an older brother, especially one that had a strange obsession with collecting sharks in his water-garage. Just the other day, Rinny had gotten on Tony's last nerve. Rinny had phoned Tony and, in very serious tones, insisted that he and Susie meet him for coffee later that afternoon. When they met, Rinny pulled out a manila folder full of newspaper clippings, saved e-mails, and a birth certificate alleging Rinny as the blood-related older brother of Tony and Susie. The newspaper clippings detailed the murder of their parents at the hands of a 3 year-old Susie, and the saved e-mails contained vulgar photos of Rinny's ex-girlfriend, something he had accidentally placed in the wrong manila folder.

Tony had always prohibited Susan from partaking in any and all television programs, as well as most technology as a whole, so when her virgin eyes met the vulgar photos, Tony snapped.

"What the fuck, dude? You invite me out for coffee and then ruin my little sister's life? Look at her, man. She doesn't even know where she is right now."

In Susan's defense, she actually legitimately had no idea where she was at the time. Rinny insisted that it was a coffee shop, but judging by the topless women and misplaced fire-poles, it could have easily been some kind of strip club. This was vintage Rinny. He was just so silly. You never knew what you were going to get, though you could usually assume it would be something sexual in nature.

After the coffee shop/strip club debacle, Tony vowed to "do Rinny somethin' REAL dirty". Tony had no idea what that meant at the time, he kind of just liked the way it sounded. But the more he repeated the statement to himself in the mirror while cutting himself with broken bottles of Great Lakes Nosferatu as the Black Eyed Peas hit single "I've Got a Feeling" played along in the background, the more it made sense to him. He devised a plan to steal Rinny's most prized possession - the 18-foot pregnant clown shark that he was planning to sell to "put Susan through college". Tony knew bullshit when he heard it. And Rinny was like the Chris Berman of bullshit. So, with a blue Expo marker in hand, Tony immediately drew up the blueprints for "Shark Steal 2.0" on a paper towel he had previously been using to dab the numerous cuts on his arms.

To this point, the plan had gone as appropriately as the paper towel had detailed. Tony had stolen the shark, ridden it into the bay, and convinced his sharp-shooting sister that it was squishing his only ball. Susie, never one to be gun-shy, had instantly taken the bait and murdered the 18-foot pregnant clown shark with one incredibly accurate bullet to the face. Tony had never anticipated this last part of the plan, however. Rinny rarely showed his face during the day, insisting that he considered himself more of a "night owl, baby". Tony knew what this meant. Rinny was hungover during the day, and the slighest ray of sunlight could easily send him into a temporary blindness. But here was Rinny, braving the blindness, calling out to Tony and Susie from his balcony made of whalebones.

"The fuck do you want, buttfuckface?" asked Tony, clearly abusing his love for cuss words.

"GIVE ME THE SHARK, BRO!" shouted Rinny, seemingly unaware of the gun being wielded by the six year-old he had wanted to put through college some four days earlier.

"What makes you think I have your stupid shark?" asked Tony, covered from head to toe in the bloody remains of Rinny's 18-foot pregnant clown shark.

"Yeah, what makes you think we have your stupid shark?" asked Susie, shrugging with gun in hand, covered from head to toe in the bloody remains of Rinny's 18-foot pregnant clown shark.

"You guys are actin' funny." said Rinny. "And why does she have a gun?"

Before Rinny could continue his investigation, Susie shot him in the crotch. Rinny screamed in obvious pain, tumbling over his balcony into the water below. For his final few seconds, Rinny appeared as a fish out of water, flailing his arms and saying things like "I can't swim!" and "No seriously, I can't swim!" Tony and Susie didn't listen. They knew better than to believe Rinny's lies and manila folders full of what he liked to call "facts". He was SUCH a bullshitter.

Susie said something, but it was tough to decipher the words over the noise. Tony watched Rinny, the giant flopping fish, casting tiny tidal waves of murky black water over the warped wooden deck, ruining Susan's new pink and royal blue Nike Shox. She repeated herself, emphasizing the words so that Tony could understand.

"Ah, poop!"

"What's wrong, Susan?" asked Tony, ignoring the dangerous flailing animal before him.

Susan sighed heavily and, for the first time in her life, uttered a curse word.

"My fucking shoes, you fucking asshole. Fucking look at them, they're fucking ruined! For fuck's sake, I just fucking bought these fucking pieces of fucking shit. FUCK! ASS!"

Tony's face grew red. He knew that the only possible way his six year-old sister could have learned such language was from him, not five minutes earlier. Susie sighed heavily and cast her gun into the water behind her. It landed with a splash, echoing one more time the silly sentiments of that God damn Gallagher guy.

"I'm never shooting again." she started. "Every time I do, something bad happens."

"I'm proud of you, sister." Tony said, putting his arm around his young sibling.

"Thank you, brother." Susie said quietly, for once in her life sounding as the innocent child she appeared to be on the outside.

As Rinny finally quit his desperate attempt to remain above the surface of the water, the sun followed suit, setting on the bloody fiasco that was Tony and Susie's day. As they began to walk away from the scene, now best friends more than siblings, Susie stopped.

"Tony?"

"Yeah, Sus?"

"What's a buttfuckface?"

Tony laughed out loud and patted Susie on the head.

"Oh, Sus." he started. "I love you."

He paused.

"But seriously don't kill anyone else, okay?"

"Okay, Tony."

"That's a good girl. Now come on, there's a train to Mexico with your name on it."

Susie's face lit up. The only thing she enjoyed more than firearms was speaking fluent Spanish.

"Viva la Mexico!" she shouted.

Tony stopped, allowing the phrase to envelope his very being. A tear raced down his cheek as the realization came to him. Their lives would never be the same.

"Viva la Mexico indeed, dear sister. Viva la Mexico indeed."